If we forgive some one does that mean that we have to like them? And trust them?

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Question: If we forgive some one does that mean that we have to like them and trust them?

D.D., WI


ATP: No it does not. We must always love people, but that does not mean that we have to like them or trust them.

Forgiveness can have two “stages” for lack of a better term.

First we need to forgive people because it is the right thing to do and because it is good for us. Nevermind that forgiveness may also set the other person free; forgiveness sets us free so that we are not harboring the injury we have suffered, allowing it to continue to control us.

In this stage forgiveness is given independently of the repentance of the person who has injured us. It is more internal in our own soul than externally stated to the person who has harmed us. Giving this kind of forgiveness does not mean we are excusing a person’s bad behavior. It is not us saying, "It's ok" to the offender. It is us honestly saying to God and to ourselves, "It's not ok, but I am forgiving the wrong that has been done." What we are doing in this stage is genuinely but internally forgiving the person, thus not allowing the injury to fester in our hearts.

In the second stage of forgiveness the person who has injured us asks to be forgiven. In this stage there is an external expression, not just an internal release. Forgiveness is requested verbally and/or in writing, and forgiveness is given in the same way. Forgiveness is complete.

But even when both aspects of forgiveness occur there is no guarantee that the person who injured us will become a likeable person. Yes, they may have repented for injuring us, but their personality and ours may not mix well. We may not like them at all, but we can still love them. Love is a commitment to do what is best for the other person, no matter how we feel about it and no matter how they respond. Love is not connected to “liking.”

Trust has a similar dynamic. There may be good reason not to trust a person even when we have forgiven them. Forgiving some one changes our heart, but it does not make the other person trustworthy. Once trust has been broken, it must be re-earned with a pattern of behavior over time. We should never confuse forgiveness with trust. They are two different things.